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Rust, wanneer komt het?

2018 was een geweldig jaar, voor gezonde Dutchies. Maar voor mij persoonlijk ook een behoorlijk heftig jaar. Omdat het leven niet alleen uit mooie dingen bestaat, deel ik ook dit met jullie! Het begon in sept 2017, ik hoorde dat een dierbare van mij kanker had. Na vele onderzoeken en ritjes naar het AVL kwam het hoge woord er uit. Niet meer te genezen hoogstens te verlengen. Hoewel degene waarom het ging het meeste verdriet had, was het voor mij ook een klap.

Ik had al eens met mijn vriendin in het AVL gezeten, ik was toen zwanger van Maud en kende gelukkig tot nu toe alleen een goede afloop. Tot nu toe want dit keer zou er geen happy end zijn. De dierbare waar het om gaat, klinkt een beetje algemeen. Maar onze band was niet uit te leggen, ik woonde sinds mijn vierde naast deze vrouw, ze hoorde bij onze familie als een oma. Deze vrouw had geen kinderen en of man, ze had ons, haar buurmeisjes, haar surrogaat kleinkinderen.
Vorig jaar kerst zaten we aan tafel, haar zus overgekomen uit Nieuw-Zeeland en mijn familie. Zou die kerst de laatste zijn !? Wij wisten het niet, nu weten we het wel, het was de laatste….

Zorgen en zorgen

Een periode van zorg brak aan, natuurlijk kan ik niet in een paar woorden omschrijven wat het doet. Ik had nog nooit van zo dichtbij voor iemand gezorgd die dood zou gaan, nog nooit zo dicht bij de dood gestaan. Zo vol besef, zo vol van emotie van verdriet, tot frustratie. Want deze zorg was op mijn pad gekomen, iets moois, dankbaars maar ook een loodzware opdracht. Hoe houd je alle ballen in de lucht en zorg je ook nog eens voor een alleenstaande terminale vrouw. 
In deze periode leer je jezelf en de mensen om je heen goed kennen. Mensen die het begrijpen dat je geen tijd meer voor ze hebt, mensen die je ontlasten en mensen die je ontwijken. De mens een bijzonder fenomeen…

En ik…

Echt zielig voel ik me niet, want er zijn heftigere verhalen, maar aan mijn emotie mag ik recht doen. Een jaar naar haar laatste kerstdiner met ons en twee maanden na haar overlijden mag ik opschrijven wat het met me doet en hoe moe ik eigenlijk was. Hoe ik mijzelf en iedereen wegcijferde om de zorg voor haar te regelen, van haar medicatie tot aan het leeghalen van haar huis. Het was super intens. We hadden gesprekken over de dood, we regelde al zoveel mogelijk, maar hadden ook zwarte humor. Het hielp ons er door heen. Echter werd het zwaarder, elke ochtend ging de telefoon over of ze gegeten had, laat staan de gevechten met alle instanties die ik moest voeren.

Het klinkt allemaal luchtig, maar hoe ik me voelde dat ik deze vrouw uit haar huis haalde en wegbracht naar een Hospice, ik voelde me intens slecht. Hoewel ik wist dat het beste was, was ik ook degene die haar uit haar veilige omgeving haalde. De omgeving waar ze thuis was, wat van haar was. Ik verhuisde haar naar een plek waar ze dood moest gaan en volgens de richtlijnen ook nog binnen drie maanden. Met tranen stond ik daar in de lift, me verdriet weg te slikken, ik moest sterk zijn voor haar! 
Het Hospice een prachtige plek, de zorg vol liefde gegeven. Maar wel de plek om dood te gaan. Ik reed naast alle andere dingen drie keer per week naar haar toe. Ze belde bijna elke dag en ook als ik een paar nachtjes weg wilde gaan om bij te tanken kreeg ik nog een beladen telefoontje. Ze wilde niet meer, kon niet meer. Ik pepte haar op, sprak met de artsen en we gingen er voor. Kom zei ik, we gaan je verjaardag nog halen.

Afscheid nemen

De mentale en fysieke belasting is best groot in deze periode geweest. Ik vergat mijzelf, at slecht en mijn leven was een achtbaan. Alles gaat door, iedereen denkt dat jij ook door kan, maar het door gaan eist zijn tol. In vriendschappen, aandacht voor je man, voor je kinderen en voor jezelf, overal schiet je te kort. In oktober kwam er een einde aan haar leed en ook aan mijn missie. Haar een laatste fijne jaar bezorgen.
Na een slechte dag kwam ze niet meer bij, ik heb naast haar bed gezeten. Haar hand vastgehouden en gezegd dat ze mocht gaan. Niet meer de vrouw die ik kende, maar een ellendig ziek hoopje mens dat vocht voor haar adem. Ze mocht gaan, ze keek me aan, dit wilde ze niet het leed moest stoppen, we moesten haar helpen en na de nodige medicatie ging ze in die nacht.

Er volgende een drukke periode van crematie, afhandelen en haar huis leeg halen. Na dit heftige jaar besloten wij met de kerstvakantie er tussenuit te gaan. Rust… dat was alles wat we wilde. Even een saaie bedoeling om weer op te laden. Dat leek ook heel goed te gaan, tot einde van de week. Mijn zusje belde, papa moet naar het ziekenhuis hij wordt opgenomen met nierfalen… pffff kan het dan ook nooit eens gewoon saai en rustig zijn?

Ik hoop werkelijk op een gezond en gelukkig 2019 en wens jullie het allerbeste. Tot in het nieuwe jaar, hopelijk een heel saai jaar 😉

Liefs Mirella


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